Guest Column
June 28, 2000
It's Only Existential Rock 'n' Roll
Zen Road Life Do's and Don'ts
by Tommy Womack
To so many youths of my generation, being on the road in a working rock 'n' roll band represents the zenith ideal of a totally meaningful life: loud guitars, a new town every day, dreams of musical communion with the masses, fuzzy future visions of limousines, hotel demolitions, and Wynona Ryder....
It's nice work if you can get it, and everybody knows it too. The competition is intense, and there's little sympathy for those who don't learn the mystical tricks of the trade as they go along. Ya gots ta learn the esoteric stuff along with practicing your scales and polishing your instrument.
So forget for a moment the technical rules, like "Always remember to wipe the ketchup off your amp before putting it away." Let's instead take a look at fuzzier, weirder lessons of road life learned by someone who's played a dumpster or two in his day. Heed these words as we drive, young squire. This is our exit, and the club's two blocks up to the right past the burned-out bus shelter.
The Van is Life
Over long periods of time, when you've been out a while, the van becomes more real than the outside world, and the scenery peeling off the windshield becomes a two-dimensional mural from a prop department. The van no longer moves; everything moves past it!
This is normal. Go with it. This is the Van Zone. Welcome. It's not your home-away-from-home. It is home. Make your personal Van Zone as pleasant as you possibly can while always accepting it for what it is: a space not too much larger than yourself.
There are a lot of things you can do in the Van Zone (reading, thinking, talking, sleeping, eating) and a lot of things you can't do (reading very long, thinking very clearly, talking without yelling, sleeping comfortably, eating without getting anything on something you didn't want it on, etc.)
Essentials for working Van Zonage are: a good engine, enough room in the back for equipment, enough seats for the band, no completely penetrable holes to the outside, a livable level of climate control and -- last but not least -- a tape deck.
Always Carry Your Own Towel, Duct Tape, Sharpie, and Microphone Bag
Somewhere, you're going to crash overnight and either the only towel available will be the one you brought or it's going to be the only one you want to use.
 The duct tape? Don't tell me you don't know. There is nothing in the world that cannot be done with enough duct tape. Wars can be won with the stuff. God sent duct tape to the children of Egypt. The last sound heard on the Titanic was people frantically looking for the last little roll.
Seek out black, by the way. It's much cooler onstage.
The Sharpie? It's the set-list standard! (Don't use red Sharpies. The ink disappears under the lights.)
The microphone bag is the same size as yer standard money bag. Now, this is a cash bidness, so guess what goes in there. The bag goes wherever the band goes.
Be Prepared (Wink, Wink)
No moral judgements here, folks! Shit happens. Put together the right atmosphere, the right music, the right drinks, consenting locals, and wandering troubadours. Badabing badaboom. Next morning? You choose....
Emotion #1: "I didn't use a condom! I don't know this person! My body is conceivably wracked with disease! Not to mention I've opened myself up to unplanned childbirth and a complete dismantling of everything I've worked for so long oh God help me pleeeeaaasseee!!!"
Emotion #2: "Lovely condom! Quite so! Splash of tea, anyone?"
Next Page: Count It When You Get Paid; Eat Real Food at Least Once a Day; Good Tape Decks Make Good Neighbors; If You Expect to See It Again, Don't Leave It in the Van....
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Tommy Womack is the author of Cheese Chronicles: The True Story of a Rock 'n' Roll Band You've Never Heard Of (Dowling Press) and is a former member of Government Cheese and the bis-quits.
His current CD, Stubborn, is available from Sideburn Records, as well as all the best Internet one-stops you already know and patronize. His previous solo release Positively Na Na is still available from the wonderful folks of Checkered Past Records in Chicago. |
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