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This page: If You Wouldn't Say It to a Cop, Don't Say It to the Soundman; Learn to Read; Love & Respect Your Van Zone Neighbor; When You Can Afford a Hotel Room, Get It
If You Wouldn't Say It to a Cop, Don't Say It to the Soundman
You'll be dealing all night with the person who holds your sound in the palm of his/her hand. Be cool. No, be cooooooooollll. Always address that person as if you were saying, "Is there a problem, officer?"
I don't care how bad your monitor is, don't openly curse the soundman in front of the audience. He/she is your friend always (sayeth the writer through gritted teeth). Never say the sound sucks directly through the microphone where the audience can hear it. You know why? The soundman will leave! He doesn't care. If he's working for you and has to take your shit, you've already made it, bud! What are you doing reading this article? Go
be in one. The rest of us have to make nice and professional and do our part to keep everything together while our ass is on the line. After the show, however, to paraphrase the Great Mr. Lynott, the drink may flow and blood may spill.
As cathartic as casual violence can be, that's no reason not to be professional while the music's happening. Folks are paying their money, they deserve a show. So do the damn show, sing as best you can in the shitty monitors, then come offstage, drink four beers real fast, and jump on the offending engineer from behind. If you can't stay on for eight seconds, you're a wuss.
Learn to Read
Charlie Watts once described the entire career of the Stones as "five years of work, and 25 years of hanging around." It's very true of this life at any point on the ladder. Whether you're headlining at Ozzfest or paying to play at the worst local dive, there are always tremendous gaping stretches with nothing else to do.
So when you're in Van Zone, or the soundcheck has become an epoch, or you're tired of playing pinball, do yourself a favor. Take advantage of one of the very few guaranteed perks of the musician's job. Most people in this country don't read nearly enough, and here's a job where the opportunity routinely gets forced into your hands.
Paperbacks are the cheapest legal drug out there. You're at the club, there's nothing to do, you just whip it out, baby! Diversions of vista via the printed page immensely replenish one's soul
Love & Respect Your Van Zone Neighbor
People cannot survive long together out on the road without a deep tolerance for one another and a consistently healthy mutual esteem.
Trouble is, any band worth touring behind in the first place probably has powerful, prickly personalities in it.
 Just remember, it's no great sin when guys stop being completely polite to one another You're family now, and families will have their moments. That's all they are -- moments. Don't stress unduly, but don't sweep whatever starts it under the rug either.
When You Can Afford a Hotel Room, Get It
Crashing at someone's place is more often than not a financial necessity for the struggling young road band, but over time it teaches and reinforces the value of figuring motel rooms into the long-term budget.
 Nothing matches the bliss of flaking out on a hotel bed with no one to visit with and an air conditioner eight feet away blowing right on you. It's a level of relaxation that beats all other hospitality.
Of course, hotels charge an extreme amount of money for this nice feeling, which leaves musicians with a special moral obligation to the hotel industry . . .
Never leave complimentary items behind! Take all soaps and shampoo/conditioners. If they offer to send anything to your room, ask if it's free. If it is, take it whether you need it or not. If they offer a "Continental breakfast" (doughnuts & coffee), scarf it all and lick the frosting chips off the platter with your finger -- and make exaggerated Jaggeresque pouting gestures to the desk clerk while you do it.
Part of the reason rock 'n' roll exists is to keep hotel/motel chains from getting any richer and fatter than they already are. It's a symbiotic relationship that serves each side right in the long run.
When checking into a hotel, ask for a late checkout, then hang the "Do Not Disturb" sign outside the door. It won't make any difference, but do it anyway out of principle and have faith that someday, we shall overcome.
Oh, and get your booker to try to get the club to reserve you the hotel rooms and pick up the tab for you. It's always worth a shot. If you draw worth a damn, they'll generally do it.
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